Truth: sincerity in action, character, and utterance
So, like, I have a few things I want to get off my chest. Not even get off my chest – declare. I’ve been doing some soul-searching and introspection because I’m in this space where I want to fully embody myself; I don’t want to front or pretend or wear any kind of facade. I want to be all the buzzwords: authentic, genuine, real, natural. I want to 100% connect with and be myself.
Amidst my self-reflection, I’ve realized there are essential truths about me I try to smother and change. I’ve done so for, goodness, my entire life. I’ve had this image of what kind of person I want to be and how I want others to see me, but that person isn’t me. I keep trying to chase this fantasy ideal, and that ideal isn’t even mine. It’s this internalized concept of what a likable, popular, attractive, and fun person is, and I’ve put a lot of effort into trying to be that instead of standing in my own truth. I can’t get on my digital soapbox and preach authenticity, self-empowerment, and chasing your dreams when I’m not even owning who I am.
I have three hard truths about me I’ve never wanted to own because I felt like they were contradictory to my illusions of a cool girl, a fun girl, a girl people want to know. Yet here I am: cool, fun, shaking hands, and giving hugs. I’m not going to feel bad about being who I am.
My Three Truths:
I know it’s attractive and trendy to say you’re carefree, spontaneous, wild, or free-spirited, but, like, that’s not me. I’ve tried to be that person and thought I could become it, but I’m not. I’m wholly and truly serious. I’ve always associated the word serious with boring and mean, but, that’s not who I am at all. I’m serious, but I’m also fun, playful, adventurous, and even a little spontaneous, from time to time.
And honestly? Happy-go-lucky, carefree, overtly spontaneous qualities often annoy me. Yes, I know that sounds terrible, but it’s so, so true. This always makes me feel weirdly guilty because those qualities sound so light and happy. It’s like I’m some boring, mean villain for getting a bee in my bonnet, but it’s only because they’re the opposite of me. I like making plans, working-hard, and caring so much it hurts. I truly can’t not worry about what’s important to me or not push myself. This is who I am.
It’s all so silly because I get miffed and irritated about these qualities, yet I’ve tried to embody them at the same time. I’ve always tried acting like I’m a go with the wind kind of girl, but ew. I’m not! I’m serious as all hell, and it’s only draining me to not own it. I love that I enjoy making a plan and executing it. I love that I’m passionately focused and know how to fan my own flame. And personally, I think my intensity is sexy as fuck.
My seriousness is essential to my character, and I think I’m pretty dope and awesome to be around.
I Love Stability
I absolutely, with all my heart, love the peace of mind of knowing I have roots and consistency. I feel like people my age have this unrelenting wanderlust, but I feel arms length from it. Do I love the idea of traveling, seeing the world, immersing myself in other cultures and ways of life? Fuck yeah. I believe it’s essential to have your eyes, mind, and heart open to the world, but I don’t love the idea of not having a home, a place to call my own, or a life I feel secure in. I want to build a home as much as I want to see the world.
I have fantasies of being an avid traveler. One of my favorites is of buckling down, properly learning french, and living in France for three to six months, but those fantasies always include going home at the end. It makes me happy when I get to sleep in my bed, eat my food, see my friends, eat at local spots, and snuggle deep into sweet, joyous comfort. I become out of sync, drained, and discombobulated when I have no perceived footing in my life.
I wholly enjoy moving outside of my box and tasting the abundance and unknown of the world – I do. Trying new restaurants, different activities, and visiting places I’ve only seen in photos are some of my favorite things in the world to do, but I love familiarity too. I refuse to keep thinking it makes me a dull loser like social media would have me feel. I thrive when I get to toggle freely between routine and adventure, and that’s not wrong.
This has been said to me like it’s a bad thing, but I think it’s now one of my favorite things about myself. I’m in touch with my emotions, and I’d rather that than numbing myself and being emotionless. My anger is roaring fire, my sadness is devastated drowning, my happiness is blinding vibrancy, and my love is life-changing. I express my emotions as I feel them and can’t keep my truth from showing on my face. My best friend has said that when I cry, I commit to crying.
I’d thought it made me look stupid and like my emotions were less legitimate since there were so many of them, but that’s not true. I am a sensitive, emotional person. Maybe it makes some people uncomfortable or irritated, but I feel down to my core. I refuse to be sorry for that. I feel so much even I get annoyed by it sometimes, but I won’t hide it. My life has been lighter, brighter, and easier since I’ve allowed myself to ride my own waves and be shameless in my emotional expression. I’ve always been more hung up on the perception of sensitivity than sensitivity itself. People seem to only think about hurt feelings or annoyance, but I’ve learned it comes with a beautiful strength.
I know how to break and not be destroyed. I think that’s a wonderful gift.